[MA-SOC] fan-dating and dating meet-ups at cons

Mandisa Washington mandisaw at earthlink.net
Tue Jan 16 00:24:23 EST 2007

Rich & Ofer, particularly, (but really anybody)

Self-confidence and some awareness of your own self-worth is really
important, whether you're on your own, finding somebody, or are with
somebody. I know it's cliched, but you've got to love and accept yourself
and your interests if you're going to expect (or persuade) someone else to.

>Video games and anime and whatnot have been my escape when I didn't get
along with my classmates (which was most of my grade-school years, plus a
good chunk 
>of high school and college). They're there, easily available for short
amounts of time, or long hours, whichever you like. A video game doesn't
judge you for saying
>the wrong things (but a girlfriend WILL).

Interestingly enough, my hobbies are usually what got me friends (general,
casual type) through high school & college, after I broke out of my
painfully-shy shell in junior high. Books and TV certainly helped when I
wanted to tune-out stuff at home (or avoid doing schoolwork), but while
they won't judge you, they also won't listen to your stories, tell you
something new, or make your pulse race (or your blood boil). Gotta have
people for that, every time. 

As for saying the wrong things, there's a spectrum of wrongness. Depending
on how well you know each other, there's stuff you can apologize for, and
stuff that's unforgivable. Can't say that all women are nice and reasonable
all of the time (Lord knows, I'm not), but most of us are decent-ish
people, so if you forgive our hair-pull-inducing days, we'll probably
forgive yours.

Rich, I don't know what's particularly going on with you and your S.O., but
I guess the question is, what do you guys want from each other, and what's
happening that's different from that. If it's something that you guys
can/want to change, then work towards that. If not, at least attempt a
clean, proper break-up. I don't know anybody that feels okay with that
uncomfortable limbo you're describing.

>The problem is, I can't just interrupt some cute woman with glasses at the
cafe, reading her book while sipping her coffee, and go "Hi, I'm Ofer, do
>you live around here?" I'll appear like some creep. 

Only if you act creepy. *grin* I've been chatted-up by guys, and the key
thing is check her mood, and check your enthusiasm. I don't know why some
guys think a woman with her brow furrowed and a scowl on her face (e.g. the
AM-rush subway just f*ked you over) is in a receptive mood for any kind of
pleasantry. If the cafe-lady is giggling over her book or seems otherwise
happy, chances are, she'll at least give you a smile and a little chit
chat. Oh yeah, and if the answer's "No", just back off. Nothing's more of a
creep-out than a guy who keeps pushing after you've established that you're
not interested. It's like their enthusiasm (and nervousness?) strike them
blind & deaf (but unfortunately, not dumb).

Oh yeah, it may seem silly, and not possible for everyone, but take a
social-type class or follow a lecture series, preferably at a grad school
or someplace that attracts the post-school/pre-marriage crowd
(continuing-ed, perhaps). It'll be interesting for you, establish a common
point of interest, and provide a nice, casual opportunity to meet
potentially nice, intelligent people. Just a thought.


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